


from dusk till dawn

by tkreyesevandiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Caring Eddie Diaz, Cuddles, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode s03e14: The Taking of Dispatch 9-1-1, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, Missing Scene, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Non-Sexual Showers, POV Alternating, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Worried Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23727298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz
Summary: In his entire life, he’d only been scared to within an inch of his life three times. And two of those times were related to Maddie.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 59
Kudos: 544





	from dusk till dawn

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! 
> 
> I'm back with this fic! I missed Eddie like hell in the last episode, so here is a little missing-scene fic xD <3
> 
> _If you haven't watched Episode 14, do not read ahead!!_
> 
> This is set after Maddie is found safe but before they figure out exactly what had been going on. So there isn't mention of the museum heist or anything. At this point, I presumed that they didn't have the details (ergo, before the get-together at Chim's place).
> 
> **TW: PTSD descriptions, anxiety descriptions, flashbacks, mentions of nightmares**
> 
> Let me know if I'm missing anything! Title from "Dusk Till Dawn" by ZAYN. It suits them!

Buck stepped into his apartment feeling suspiciously like he’d been put through the wringer.

He had come back from a long, grueling shift to Chim’s paranoid phone call, and hadn’t been able to calm his racing heart enough to breathe through the panic slowly clouding his own system. He’d sat down for a quick second; on the stairs, on the couch. Then after hearing both Maddie and Josh’s phones go straight to voicemail, he’d resumed pacing around the floor of his apartment.

In his entire life, he’d only been scared to within an inch of his life three times. And two of those times were related to Maddie.

He’d be grateful to Chimney forever for noticing Maddie’s hidden message, and to Athena for finding out something was wrong. It was that quick thinking, even if had initially been deemed paranoia, that had likely saved the lives of everyone at the dispatch center.

Buck’s shoulders slumped as he stood in the doorway, feeling the weight of everything crashing down on him again. He’d tried so hard to keep an impassive face all day, knowing that Athena, Maddie and Chim didn’t need to see him break down as well. 

But now he was tired.

He had let Chim and Maddie have their moment before he’d gone towards them to wrap them both in his own hug, finally breathing right for the first time since he’d raced out of his apartment. Maddie had fallen against him, still shaking while Buck thanked every deity in the universe that his sister was alright.

She’d gotten out before lunch time. They were all safe. 

Lifting his feet to step inside the safety of his own home was an insurmountable task, but he managed it. Buck repeated the words in his mind like a mantra as he set his keys down on the counter. Closing his eyes, he lowered himself onto his kitchen chair, breathing slowly and deeply. He pressed his forehead to the granite. The cool slab was jarring against his heated skin, but managed to keep him slightly centered.

_They were all safe._

_They were all safe._

_They were all safe._

The day played through his mind with startling clarity. There had been Josh bleeding from his head, Maddie stumbling out of the dispatch center looking lost, Linda collapsing against a triage center; all so grateful that they were _alive_. Buck had watched all of them with his heart pounding furiously, knowing Chimney was doing the same over by the tape barring the entrance.

Unwelcome images of how this morning could have gone played out behind his eyelids in vivid crimson and crippling dark. Suddenly, the images of Maddie stumbling out of the woods nearly a year ago assaulted his mind, merging with the events of today. He was now seeing a bloody Maddie exit the dispatch center, not on her own feet but being rolled out on a stretcher. There was no more Chim standing behind the tape. 

There was the stark possibility that none of them would’ve found out about the hostage situation, the possibility that they all could have been _dead_ before anyone knew something was even remotely wrong.

It would’ve been so easy for him to lose his sister today; the thought made Buck’s eyes fly open on a gasp, feeling like he was choking on all the hypotheticals. His chest grew tight as his head began pounding in time with his racing heart.

His ringtone brought him back to Earth for a faint moment. Eddie and Christopher’s smiling faces appeared on the screen through his blurry vision. For one selfish moment, Buck wanted to _beg_ Eddie to come over. He really didn’t want to be alone tonight, and there was only one person in the world he trusted himself to fall apart in front of. He needed his best friend to help quell the anxiety that was still washing over him, even hours after seeing his sister safe. 

Buck brushed trembling fingers over their smiles as he accepted the call and turned on the speaker.

“He-hello?”

“Hey.” Eddie’s calm voice echoed in his apartment, smoothing a little of the tension out of Buck’s shoulders. He hung his head as tears pushed at his eyes, hot and relieving at the sound of Eddie surrounding him. “Wanna open the door for me?”

The words didn’t quite register. Silence stretched between them as Buck tried to sort through his clouded mind to understand what exactly Eddie was saying.

As soon as it sunk in, Buck was jerking out of his seat before stumbling on shaky legs to his front door. Flinging it open proved that his best friend was, indeed, in the hallway to his apartment. 

Eddie was standing with his phone still pressed to his ear, but he was _there_.

He blinked a couple of times, still not quite believing the image in front of him. Eddie hung up and steadily looked back at him, a worried crease pressing into his forehead as he drank in Buck’s haggard state.

“You okay?” he asked quietly.

With the sound of two measly words spoken in his best friend’s gentle tone, Buck crumpled. The choked sob had hardly left his lips before his knees buckled under the weight of the sky.

Like always, Eddie caught him easily. Surrounding Buck with steadfast warmth and conviction, his best friend pulled him tight against him, murmuring unheard words of comfort as the waves swept Buck away.

“Eddie,” Buck gasped out, choking on the breath lodged in his lungs. There was a tinge of relief in the flurry of panic and anxiety that washed through him just at the presence of the other man. “ _Eddie_.”

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” Eddie led Buck inside and shut the door, sliding down it to sit down right against the back. Buck was still wrapped tightly in his arms, as if Eddie could protect him from everything in this world. “Let it out, sweetheart.”

As if waiting for that affirmation, his tears started flowing freely as he shut his eyes and fell completely against Eddie’s warmth. 

The vivid images that had been playing through his mind since the second Athena had shown up at Chim’s door quieted down, easing to a lull with each tear that dripped from his eyes. His head felt heavy, as if his shoulders couldn’t carry that weight anymore. 

“I almost lost her today,” Buck rambled in a voice rougher than gravel, still shedding tears uncontrollably. “I can’t-I won’t, Eddie, I don’t know what I would have done.” He didn’t know what he was babbling, but he hoped Eddie understood.

Buck clung to him tightly as his world shattered around him, everything from the past 48 hours surging up in quick succession to break him down into as many pieces as possible.

“Shh…” Eddie hushed him quietly, rocking him back and forth as the two men lay in a heap on the entryway floor. “Maddie is safe. You and Chim helped get her out. Everyone at the center is _fine._ A little shaken but they were so strong today.”

Buck’s rough sobs and wheezing breaths gave way to sniffles and whimpered as he warred with his body to register what Eddie was saying. Gently, his friend cupped his jaw and tilted his face upwards to make eye contact, the touch almost unbearably tender. “And so were you.” Eddie brushed a thumb under Buck’s eye, clearly not put off by his dripping, bright-red nose. “You were so strong for your sister today. Now it’s time for someone to be strong for you.”

His throat tightened at the easy acceptance Eddie extended his way. He lowered his head, overwhelmed by the blatant concern in those warm eyes. After the past 48 hours of slipping on a mask for everyone else, it was far-fetched to believe that someone would allow him to _break_.

Buck didn’t know how long they’d sat there, his ear cushioned against Eddie’s chest, listening to the rhythmic beat underneath the layers of skin, muscle, bone. All evidence of the life rushing through his friend’s veins, and a much-needed reminder that they were all _okay_.

“Chim was so scared. I’ve never seen him like that before,” Buck whispered into Eddie’s shirt, eyes burning with exhaustion. The Asian man was one of the most cool-headed individuals Buck had ever known. Not even a rebar through his head had him as scared as he had been when he couldn’t get a hold of Maddie.

Buck was so thankful for whoever sent Chim into his sister’s life, because that’s the kind of partner she’d needed. Someone who didn’t try to strangle her independence but never stopped fighting _for_ her. Chim loved Maddie without holding anything back, even after all they’d gone through together.

“When you love someone that much, it’s hard to think straight.” Eddie’s words were meaningful, even as he feathered more firm touches over Buck’s skin to keep him in the present. “How about we go take a shower, okay?”

Buck didn’t have the energy to protest anything, but a shower sounded like heaven at the moment. He needed to wash off all the grime from everything; the salt from his tears had stiffened his skin almost painfully. 

Eddie clearly saw that he didn’t have the strength to even lift a single finger. He helped him up from the floor, guiding him up the stairs of the loft and into the bathroom. 

“Can you take your clothes off for me?” Eddie asked gently. Buck brought trembling fingers to the buttons on his shirt, suddenly seeing them streaked with red. Chim’s blood was imprinted on his shirt, staining the white fabric in bright swatches of crimson, twisted into the shape of a hand print. 

He knew that hand print; it was his own. He’d accidentally wiped his hands as he’d raced through the house looking for Maddie.

“Eddie, there’s blood here.” 

* * *

Eddie whipped around immediately at those words, finding Buck frowning down at his pristine, spotless shirt. He took in Buck’s rigid stance, his hands pulling the fabric as far away from himself as possible. Eddie’s eyebrows furrowed as he scanned Buck’s body for any injuries he’d missed, trying to see whatever it was Buck was seeing when it hit him.

He was having a flashback.

Well-versed with PTSD flashbacks himself, he didn’t immediately rush at Buck like every cell in his body called for him to do. Instead, he started up the shower in the back and stood at a distance from Buck, keeping his hands visible, body language open and voice calm.

“Evan.” Eddie hoped to hell that the sound of his first name and the shower would help bring Buck back to the present. “Evan, can you hear me?”

Buck looked up at the sound of his voice, but his eyes were still unseeing. Eddie could infer exactly what event Buck was seeing from his reaction to his shirt; Maddie’s abduction. 

Eddie remembered walking into the hospital nearly a year ago to find Buck slumped in a chair, eyes red and puffy. He could practically see his mind race behind that tense face; all ways to slip out of Athena and Bobby’s sights and get Maddie back.

Back then, he’d been very attuned to his surroundings, noting every detail with a keen eye and filing it away to aid an escape plan later. It had only been when he’d looked up at Eddie that the fight had given way to something akin to despair.

His heart had squeezed painfully then, and it was squeezing painfully now. It hurt to see Buck look so lost, without his trademark grin or regular cheekiness.

“Buck,” Eddie tried again. He was careful not to raise his voice, but grew hopeful when his friend looked at him with a little more recognition now. “Can I touch you?”

Buck nodded faintly, still frozen in place. Instead of touching his skin, Eddie moved his hands to the buttons on Buck’s shirt, slowly relieving him of what had likely been his trigger. Only when the offending shirt was gone did Eddie place his hands on Buck’s shoulders, urging the younger man to look straight at him.

“Buck, I need you to listen to me. Focus on my voice.” He rubbed his thumb in circles on Buck’s skin, feeling it dampen with the warmth of the shower behind him. “You are having a flashback from a year ago. Right now, you are in your apartment. Maddie and Chimney are absolutely fine.” 

Fear pressed against Eddie’s own heart as he watched Buck struggle to surface. His own flashbacks were terrifying, but he’d never been on the other side of the situation. He hoped to high heaven that he was doing this right, because it was even more terrifying to see _Buck_ in this situation. “I’m going to help you ground yourself, okay? Can you name four things you can touch?” 

Buck’s shaking hands reached out to twist in Eddie’s shirt, hanging on for dear life as his head dropped. “Eddie.”

“That’s right, I’m right here,” he said patiently, blinking away the moisture gathering in his eyes. He ducked his own head to keep eye contact, determined to prevent Buck from dissociating any further. “Can you name three other things you can touch?”

“The floor. Your shirt. You,” Buck listed, voice still miles away. His face was wan, brows pulled together in concentration. Still, Eddie plowed on.

“Three things you can hear?” 

“Water pipes. Your voice. The shower.” Eddie realized a little too late that the water could have triggered Buck further, and cursed his own mind for not realizing it. Shaking off the hypothetical, he continued.

“Two things you can see?” 

“You. My razor.” 

“One thing you can smell?”

“Smell...your aftershave.” Buck’s eyes were clearing up a little more, so Eddie took a chance, still keeping his voice low and gentle.

“Where are you?” 

“I’m in my apartment, in my bathroom with you. I’m about to take a shower.” Eddie let out the breath he’d been holding at the sound of Buck’s alert voice, something suspiciously like tears dampening his own eyes enough that he couldn’t blink them away. He closed his eyes and tilted his head up, saying a silent prayer of thanks as he felt Buck’s rapid pulse slow slightly under his thumb. 

Moving a little away from his friend, Eddie turned to set the shower on a more bearable temperature. Buck’s hand immediately came out to grip his wrist tightly, his eyes blown wide with some unknown fear.

“Buck?”

“No, I know where I am. Just don’t...don’t. Just don’t leave, please,” he pleaded quietly, rolling his bottom lip into his mouth. Combined with Buck’s wide eyes and gaunt expression, the younger man looked unbearably small. Eddie’s heart clenched in his chest as he maneuvered his grip so their fingers were slotted in between one another’s instead. 

“I’m not going anywhere.” He emphasized the words with another squeeze of his fingers. “You want to try to get in the shower?” 

“Yeah.” Buck slipped his jeans and underwear down in one swoop and stepped into the shower, the hot water pelting at him even as he held onto Eddie’s hand through the stall door. “Will you-will you come in here with me?”

He dipped his head again, as if waiting for Eddie’s rejection. What Buck didn’t know though, was that Eddie would stop at nothing to make sure he was okay. If he was hesitant about climbing into the shower with him, it was only because he didn’t want Buck to feel like he’d taken advantage of the situation.

Wrestling his own clothes off somehow, Eddie stepped in with Buck, keeping a firm grip on the man.

The water pressure in his apartment was the reason Buck didn’t take long showers at the station after a 24-hour shift. Now experiencing it firsthand, Eddie knew exactly why. Only the tops of his shoulders were under the water but it felt amazing to have the tension massaged out of his muscles with the hot spray.

Squeezing soap into a washcloth, Eddie turned Buck to face him, gently starting up a line of conversation about Christopher to keep his friend in the present as he worked on washing his skin.

“Christopher has another one of those projects due in a few days. Next week, I think. He wants you to come over and help again.” Eddie moved the washcloth from Buck’s waist to those broad shoulders, feeling his own eyes stinging with secondhand pain at how Buck went through alone on a daily basis. He forced his words to bypass the lump in his throat.

Buck had been through so much in the time Eddie had known him. He wondered how many nights Buck had flung himself out of bed, seeing horrors no one else saw. He wondered how often Buck had wished for someone to be there for him, the way he was there for everyone else.

“The planet one?” Questions were good. They meant Buck was paying attention.

“This time it’s about stars,” Eddie explained, scrubbing gently against his neck. Christopher was beyond excited to have Buck over again to help. The planet project had been a huge hit with his science teacher, courtesy of all those grueling hours the three of them had spent gluing paper and cardboard together.

“Why are you doing this, man?” The quiet words froze him in place, his gaze flicking upwards to meet Buck’s exhausted stare. Still, there was a new defiance in the lines of his body, where his hands were now braced on Eddie’s waist. 

“What do you mean?”

“This. Being here. Why would you give up an evening with your son to be _here_? Playing nursemaid to someone like me?” There was so much self-loathing in Buck’s voice that it sent Eddie reeling. 

He tried to categorize why Buck’s mood had suddenly changed out of nowhere. The flashback probably caught Buck off-guard, and now he was lashing out in light of that. Eddie was well-acquainted with mood swings after something like this, and took it all in stride, keeping his own voice smooth and calm.

“I didn’t give up an evening with Christopher. He’s with Abuela tonight. And even if I had, you’re family, Buck. It’s not a trade.” He watched a myriad of emotions play out on his friend’s face before Buck folded himself around Eddie, uncaring that both of them were as naked as the day they were born. 

He let the washcloth drop to the ground as Buck’s shoulders shook, still coming down from the rush of fear that had assaulted him moments earlier. Wrapping his own arms around him, Eddie cupped the back of his neck to press him tighter into the cradle of his shoulder. He could tell that the wetness there was no longer from the shower but couldn’t bring himself to move.

“I was _terrified_ . I put on this-this _mask_ for Maddie and Chim, but when I saw her come out of the dispatch center, physically unharmed, I wanted to break down with relief. I wasn’t even nearby, I was standing across the bridge in front of the center; I figured she’d really only need Chim,” Buck whimpered against the slick skin. Eddie tried to make sense of what he was saying.

“Why do you think your sister wouldn’t need you?” he asked softly, grabbing the shampoo off the shower ledge to start soaping his hair, leaving Buck where he was still trembling in the crook of Eddie’s neck. It was an awkward position to stretch both his hands around to reach Buck’s hair, so he managed it by only using one hand. 

“She was so surprised to see me there when I finally crossed the bridge before she hugged me back.” Buck lifted his head from his shoulder to look at Eddie. Quickly, Eddie moved his free hand to shield his already red-rimmed eyes from the soapy rivulets now streaking down his face. “As if I wouldn’t have come for her.”

“Trust me when I say that there would never be a day that Evan Buckley did not go out of his way for the people he loves.” He guided Buck back under the spray to wash out the lather. Eddie understood his insecurity more now; he understood the root of what had Buck cut up into enough pieces that he couldn’t put himself back together. It was that he didn’t believe that people needed him.

His mind flashed back to standing in Buck’s kitchen, the younger man insistently apologizing for something that hadn’t been his fault. He had kept beating himself up for not being there for Eddie and Christopher, but the truth was, it was Eddie who should’ve apologized.

Caught off-guard by Buck’s refusal to take his forgiveness, Eddie hadn’t known what to say in return. He’d never known someone to be so quick to offer emotion or so open to being vulnerable. He certainly hadn’t known anyone who went out of their way to _earn_ forgiveness, rather than think that they were entitled to it.

All things withstanding, he knew that _this_ moment between them was something different. It wasn’t like Buck’s normal expression of vulnerability; this time, he laid himself completely bare in front of Eddie as the water pounded around them.

The amount of trust the other man still held in him made Eddie swallow painfully around the rock lodged in his throat.

Despite that, Buck’s eyes were seeking, still looking for reasons as to why Eddie was here. So Eddie gave him one, even as he started conditioning Buck’s hair. With the sweeping motions of his fingers through the strands, Buck’s eyes closed as he swayed lightly against his body. “I have it on good record that if me or my son were in even the slightest amount of danger, you would move heaven and hell to make sure we were safe.”

“I lost your son, remember?”

Eddie tugged a strand admonishingly, making Buck open his eyes and look at him. “No, you _saved_ him. You scoured through a water-ridden town to look for him, bleeding and bruised. I know it for a fact that you wouldn’t have given up, because you love Chris just as much as I do.” He bit his lip for a second before choosing to continue.

“You keep looking at me with those big eyes, expecting there to be a condition for my being here to take care of you. But that’s just it. I’m here because I care about you, because I love you. I hate seeing you hurting, Evan.” Truth be told, there really was no reason. One couldn’t place a price on their friendship.

“I hate hurting, so much.” Buck’s voice cracked as his eyes filled again. His expression shuttered, almost as if he was embarrassed to admit the fact. A pang went through Eddie’s chest at just how much Buck had been keeping buried.

Eddie tilted his face up again, shaking his head as he let his lips curve into a comforting smile. “It’s okay to want to not hurt. Just because you were on the outside of whatever happened today or a year ago doesn’t mean it affected you any less.”

The water was starting to turn cold, but Buck’s eyes were lined with a glimmer of understanding that gave Eddie hope that he was coming back to himself. He gently tilted his friend’s body back into the water to wash off the remaining soap and conditioner, careful to keep his touches firm.

He stepped out of the shower first, wrapping a towel around his waist while Buck stood there, blankly staring at where Eddie had just been.

“I’m going to grab us some clothes, okay? Just give me a second.” Eddie jerked a thumb towards the door to an oblivious Buck but quickly left, still dripping water all over the place.

At the back of his mind, he knew that they had crossed so many lines tonight. He could already predict Buck pulling away in mortification, or dropping yet another shield to mask his inner turmoil. 

But Eddie liked to think that he knew Buck better than that. Especially after the lawsuit and the street fighting fiascoes, where they’d been working on opening up to one another. Buck could try to hide himself away as much as he could in front of everyone else, but Eddie was determined to make sure Buck _believed_ that someone was in his corner.

He hadn’t lied. He did love Buck. He was _in_ love with the man and it took way too many close calls for him to realize it. It was just too soon to say anything about it, but today, Eddie felt like Buck needed the words.

When Bobby told him and Hen about the dispatch center downtown being taken hostage, Eddie had been worried for Maddie and the other 9-1-1 callers, but he’d been infinitely more tense about Buck. Because he knew the man; Buck wouldn’t think twice before rushing his way over to make sure Maddie was okay, because that’s what fear did to people. It paralyzed the mind and spurred the body into actions without an aware conscious. 

To Buck, the trigger always was the people he loved in danger; it spurred him into action without any sense of self-preservation. While it was a trait that Eddie admired, it was also one that drove him up the wall with blind panic.

Eddie had come straight to Buck’s apartment after his shift but he hadn’t been there. So he’d gone home, let Carla go, made dinner, dropped Christopher off and broke at least ten traffic laws on his way to get back to Buck; the worry had gnawed at him insistently the entire time. Hen had texted that Chim and Maddie were alright, but for a brief moment, an unfair, hypocritical flame of anger took hold of him. 

Why did no one ever check to make sure _Buck_ was okay? When had they started taking him and his friendship for granted?

Eddie realized that he’d been staring at Buck’s dresser for way too long. He quickly slipped on an old shirt and some sweatpants, both of which hung off him loosely. Ignoring how cozy he felt, he grabbed an old hoodie and another pair of sweatpants before going back to the bathroom.

Buck was still standing exactly where Eddie had left him, now staring at himself in the now-clear mirror. He seemed unperturbed by the goose flesh that was spreading across his skin from the cold draft brought in by the open door.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed,” he guided gently, pressing the clothes into Buck’s hands. The younger man blinked at him with eyes that were big in his drawn face.

“Are you leaving?”

“Nope. I’m staying with you tonight.” Eddie smiled at him, rubbing a washcloth through Buck’s hair so he wouldn’t catch a cold. “I’m going to step outside so you can get changed, okay? Have you eaten?”

“I…” Buck’s eyebrows pursed as he mulled the question over. “I don’t remember.”

“I’m just going to get you something light.” Eddie squeezed his hand before retreating.

His heart broke at how detached Buck was, but he was confident that with a little time and care, he’d be alright.

* * *

Buck watched Eddie leave, the older man’s hair still wet and dripping onto the borrowed shirt. Through the haze of tiredness that surrounded him, he could make out that Eddie had wasted no time in taking care of himself, rather rushing back to make sure _he_ was okay.

He couldn’t remember the last time someone did that for him. 

Slowly, Buck unrolled the ball of clothes and dragged them on, wary of falling flat on his face. He went outside and crawled onto his bed, staring at the city lights blinking merrily at him across the vast windows of his apartments.

LA had never seemed as vast as it had today. It seemed like he’d never get to the center when Buck had sped out of his apartment’s parking lot. It was sheer luck that only Athena had pulled him over, because he probably wouldn’t have gotten any access to the scene, nor any information. 

_“Maddie is smart. She can take care of herself until help gets there.”_

His own words to an anxious Chimney echoed in his mind. He thoroughly believed them. Maddie _was_ smart and she’d proved it twice; first by that cryptic message and then by injecting the leader with an EpiPen. The dose of epinephrine had disabled him right before SWAT had stormed the building, according to what Maddie had managed to say when she’d come down from her own adrenaline rush.

It hadn’t lessened his own distress though. Buck’s heart had been in his throat the entire time, the unknown slowly killing him as he monitored everything from the sensors and radios around the closed-off area. When he’d seen Maddie, he had collapsed against the vehicle behind him, the sheer relief knocking the wind out of his lungs.

“Here we go!” Eddie’s voice came from behind him, startling him slightly where he was fiddling with the hoodie sleeves. He turned to look at his friend. Eddie had brought up a tray of something, carrying it over to Buck’s bedside table.

“What’s that?” he whispered, not having the energy to raise his voice. With the smell of hot broth and vegetables, Buck could feel his stomach start to growl.

“I suck in the kitchen but even I can’t mess up chicken noodle soup,” Eddie joked lightly, passing Buck a large mug of the piping hot liquid and a spoon. “Careful, it’s hot.”

He watched Eddie over the lip of the mug, the steam slightly obscuring the older man from view. Blissfully, with his presence, the thoughts that had been assaulting him only moments prior calmed to a low simmer. 

“I was seeing Chim on the ground in front of Maddie’s old place. There had been so much blood. Blood I’d wiped on my shirt.” Buck’s voice was quiet but to him, it sounded like he was shouting into a void. Eddie looked up at him, expression open and comforting as he listened to Buck talk. “That’s never happened to me before. I’ve never had an episode like that while I’m awake.”

“Do you normally get nightmares about it?” 

“Not usually about Maddie’s kidnapping. These days, they’re quieting down but if I have them, they’re usually about the ladder truck bombing or the tsunami.” 

The two men sat in silence for a while, only the sound of Buck eating and the normal sounds of the city surrounding them. The warmth of the ceramic seeped through his numb fingers and sluggish muscles.

“I think it was a PTSD flashback. It seemed like one,” Eddie said after a few minutes, fiddling with his fingers. Buck turned his attention towards him, listening raptly. “I get them sometimes, especially on holidays where people burst firecrackers. Sometimes it’s an obvious trigger and other times it isn’t. I think it was your shirt that triggered you.”

“I don’t remember what caused it, or even what I did during the flashback,” he admitted. Eddie nodded understandingly, not even flinching.

Despite himself, Buck smiled slightly as his friend absentmindedly pushed the mug towards him, cupped in his hands as it was.

“That usually happens. It’s different for everyone. Some people have vivid recollections of the flashback, some people only remember certain details. I’m not sure what you remember, but you just froze in place. I took the shirt off after I asked you if I could touch you,” he explained. “I think you knew that I was there, because you told me that there was blood on your shirt. That’s when I realized that with the stress of Maddie in danger, it’s probably what triggered you in the first place.”

Buck could feel waves of humiliation coursing through him, burning red-hot in his chest. Eddie had just seen him at his absolute lowest; he’d broken down like a child in his arms and his friend had had to practically wash him like one too. 

If he was being honest with himself, Eddie’s doting care had wiped away the stress of the shift, leaving only the residual anxiety to wind him up. With each wash of the water, swipe of his strong fingers, press of his warm palms, Buck had felt a little bit of himself return back to him.

That didn’t mean that he needed to subject Eddie to that. 

“I’m sorry you had to see me like that.” His tongue felt awkward in his mouth. It was all still blurry in his mind, like fog that wouldn’t clear, but Buck clearly remembered asking Eddie to step into the _shower_ with him. He couldn’t get more embarrassing than that.

“Hey, no.” Eddie reached for him, earnest in his approach. “I’m so glad I got to be here, because I would’ve hated for you to go through it alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.”

His best friend’s words were sincere enough to bring another lump to his throat so Buck only looked down into his mug, examining a piece of floating celery.

“Why are you doing this?” He vaguely recalled asking the question before. Eddie stayed silent before shifting to sit right in front of Buck, plucking the mug out of his grip to set back down on the side table.

There was nowhere else to look besides right at him. Buck studied him quietly. The slight stubble that had grown back on his face, framing the faint smile that graced his lips. His previous close-cropped hair had grown out enough that the semi-wet strands flopped lazily over his forehead, curling a little at the tips. The look in Eddie’s eyes was intimate and private, one that Buck hadn’t quite noticed before. He looked right at home in Buck’s clothes.

 _Home_.

Buck choked on the word, turning away from Eddie to take a drag of the soup, ignoring the burn. He coughed slightly before setting the cup back on the tray. 

“Careful there, buster.” Eddie cracked a small smile before the begrudged amusement shifted from his expression. “I’m not sure what you want to hear from me, Buck.”

“I just want to know why you’re here.” Buck was well-aware that he’d repeated the same question three times with absolutely no clarification.

“Do you remember what I’d said the last time you asked?” Eddie asked quietly, hesitantly moving his hand over Buck’s. He hovered there, giving him the chance to back out. It was the first flicker of doubt he’d seen since Eddie had gotten here.

He’d never back down; this was Eddie. The man he trusted with every inch of him, evident from his semi-conscious actions from tonight. So he turned his palm up, folding his hand over Eddie’s.

“You don’t like seeing me hurt.”

“I _hate_ seeing you hurt, but what else?” Eddie emphasized, running an absent thumb in circles on the inside of Buck’s wrist, right where his pulse beat rapidly. 

_“I’m here because I care about you, because I love you.”_

“Because you love me,” Buck whispered, staring down at their interlocked hands. His heart beat a little faster for it. He loved Eddie too, but he didn’t have the words to say it right now. He was still too raw from Maddie’s close encounter, his flashback and the lack of sleep. 

“Yeah. If you want a reason, there it is. But Buck, a friendship, relationship, whatever...it shouldn’t come with conditions. I told you I’d have your back, and even if I messed up a time or ten in the middle, I meant it with every part of me.”

The flare of embarrassment simmered down to embers with the genuine words. Buck stared at him, not knowing what else to say.

“I thought you didn’t know how to use your words.” It was a poor attempt to deflect the overwhelming attention, but Eddie barked out a surprised laugh, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

“I don’t, but for you, I’ll try.” Eddie peeked in the mug before passing it back to Buck. “Finish that.”

“It’s soggy vegetables,” Buck protested weakly, but still picking up the spoon Eddie passed him. 

“You’re worse than Christopher about eating your vegetables.” Eddie shook his head with something that looked suspiciously like fondness. Buck only snorted, his lips curving upwards with the reminder of his little man even as he obediently scraped his spoon along the bottom of the mug.

“You try eating waterlogged celery and carrots.” 

“Oh, speaking of Chris, he sent a video for you. Let me put this downstairs, I think I left my phone there.” Eddie picked up the tray and turned to go downstairs.

“For me?”

“Yeah he saw me rushing around the house today and somehow put the pieces together. He didn’t tell me about it until after I dropped him off though, the little trickster.” His faint voice drifted up to the loft. Buck smiled slightly at the child’s deviousness, touched by the Diaz boys’ thoughtfulness for _him_.

With Eddie downstairs, Buck took a quick inventory of how he was feeling. The food had made him feel better, but the shower had wiped the fear and panic that had lodged itself under his skin. Rather, it was Eddie’s care that had coaxed him back to himself. 

He exhaled slowly in relief as he remembered that Maddie was safe, probably wrapped up with Chim like Buck was with Eddie. 

Now, it was more jaw-splitting exhaustion that battered at him rather than the loss of control that had plagued him earlier. He felt another surge of gratitude for the man moving around his kitchen.

“Okay, got it. Here.” Buck took the phone Eddie handed to him, a wide smile already spreading across his face at the sight of the cheerful boy. He had somehow finagled Eddie’s phone and propped it up somewhere, beaming at the camera with a toothy smile.

 _“Hi Bucky! I hope you feel okay. Daddy always makes me feel better, he’ll make you better in no time! I can’t wait to see you again. You have to help me and Daddy with my project so I get another prize. I love you!”_

Christopher waved again before the screen went blank. Buck rewound the clip and watched it again and again and again before looking up at Eddie with teary eyes. Eddie looked full of pride but he was watching Buck softly.

“He’s right. You made me feel better in no time.” He felt like he was shaking, but his voice remained thankfully steady. Eddie only smiled and combed strong fingers through the air-dried curls that now sat disheveled on his head.

“I’m glad. And I would do it over and over again, Buck.” He set the phone on the side table. With a few quick gestures, he pushed Buck to lay down and covered him with the blanket. “Now try to get some sleep.”

“Are you off tomorrow?” It was Buck’s day off but with Bobby’s camping trip, their schedule had been shifted slightly. Usually, they would both have the day off. 

“Yeah. If you’re up to it, we could do something with Christopher after school tomorrow,” he suggested casually. 

Not trusting himself with words, Buck only nodded. Eddie smiled and turned again, presumably to go back downstairs. Buck’s heart lurched in his chest at the thought of being separated from Eddie, but he forced himself to ignore the urge to lunge for the other man’s wrist. “Where-where are you going?”

Eddie looked back at him confusedly, gesturing downstairs. “To the couch?”

“Stay.” It was one word, but Buck held his breath around it as the silence strung taut between them. This time, he was perfectly aware of his vulnerability and how naked it made him feel. Still, he didn’t break eye contact with the man. 

“Are you sure?” Eddie asked quietly. In response, Buck only scooted to the other side of the bed, making room for him. Eddie studied him mutely before finding something in Buck’s expression that gave him the answer to whatever question he’d been asking himself. Without any further argument, he came over and stretched out next to him.

The two lay in silence for an insufferable minute, the past hour suddenly weighing heavier on Buck. 

Eddie loved him unbarred, and had shown it over and over again. So why should Buck hesitate to take something he’d wanted for so long?

Unable to take it anymore, Buck groaned out loud, dragged himself over to Eddie and curled into the other man’s side. He could feel Eddie’s chest rumble with laughter as Buck threw the covers around them, snuggling impossibly closer.

“Is this okay?” He still had to ask, though he realized a little too late that he should’ve asked _before_ throwing himself into Eddie’s space. Just as he went to move away, Eddie caught him by the elbow and rearranged him around his body so Buck’s head was tucked against his collarbone, one leg slotted between both of Eddie’s. One of his arms came around his shoulders to hold him close.

The position was unfairly comfortable. How was he supposed to sleep alone ever again?

“More than okay,” Eddie whispered, ghosting a kiss across Buck’s forehead. He smiled against his chest at the action. 

The heady scent of Eddie’s clean skin beneath one of his shirts made his head spin. Buck willed himself not to fall asleep, wanting to enjoy this moment with Eddie for a while. It had been a natural progression from friends to...whatever this was. Buck wasn’t willing to screw it up.

“You mentioned before that you thought Maddie hadn’t needed you,” Eddie began softly, the timbre of his voice vibrating under Buck’s cheek. He hummed in response, not willing to elaborate on how deep _that_ particular insecurity ran. “Maddie does need you. Any sister would be lucky to have a brother like you. And I know she would have been so relieved to see you there with Chim, both waiting for her.”

“Is that an ode to your own brotherly duties, Diaz?” Buck lilted teasingly, now shy over the free compliment. Perhaps it was true. He had just come home from a graveyard shift, and he usually slept for an hour or two after showering. Both of which his sister knew. She probably hadn’t anticipated Chim calling him.

Just like he’d told Sue, Maddie had everything she needed with Chim, but that didn’t mean she didn’t need him either. Maybe ‘need’ wasn’t the right word for it after all. 

He’d done the best he could’ve to support and protect her. But just like Buck had fallen straight into the arms of the man he loved, so had Maddie. 

The thought had the rest of his anxiety ebbing and him settling back into his skin.

“Let’s leave it at we’re the best brothers in the world,” Eddie laughed. Buck lifted his head to look him in the eye, in awe of the easy smile on his face. Eddie Diaz was rarely without his own inhibitions, and the open expression was gratifying. 

“When you called, all I could think of was how badly I wanted you to be here with me,” Buck whispered. “Thank you for being here.”

“I’ll always be here, my love _._ I wanted to be with you the second I heard about the situation, but I couldn’t make it out in time. When I came by after my shift, your Jeep wasn’t in the lot, so I tried after dropping Chris off.”

“You came here directly after working?” Buck was surprised but thankful.

“I needed to make sure you were okay.” Eddie stated it like a fact, as if it was a given that he’d be here. And Buck supposed it was; they’d been slowly moving forward in letting the other be there for them. He swallowed hard to dispel the tightness in his throat.

The words were pushing at him now. Funny how that worked. “In case you were wondering, I love you too. Both of you.” 

Eddie smiled and swept some of the curls away from his forehead . “I love you so much.”

It was empowering, how three little words could make him feel on top of the world and like a gushy mess at the same time.

Buck leaned up, fully intending on kissing him senseless, but Eddie stopped him. “As much as I’d love to, I don’t want you to regret this. If you still want to in the morning, I’ll be right here.”

His eyebrows shot up so fast that he was scared they might have flown off his face altogether. He was sure the look on his face was comical because Eddie laughed deeply. 

“Why do you think I won’t want to kiss you in the morning?” Buck demanded.

“I think you’ve been through enough for one night. I don’t want to take advantage,” Eddie replied softly, a thumbnail tracing his birthmark reverently.

Buck narrowed his eyes. He appreciated Eddie’s ever-noble behaviour but he was damned if he had to go to sleep without kissing Eddie for the first time.

“Just one,” he bargained, then hastily added “unless you don’t want to.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes, sighing dramatically before tilting his face upwards to kiss him sweetly. Buck smiled through the kiss, the word _finally_ echoing in his mind like bells.

He pulled back to press another kiss to the corner of Eddie’s mouth before settling back in his original position. He settled his hand on Eddie’s chest, feeling the reassuring thump of his heart underneath.

As he gave in to the lure of sleep, he felt Eddie’s hand come up to cover his own, interlocking their fingers. It was the last point of contact remaining between the two of them. 

He smiled faintly as he mumbled under his breath. “Love you so much, Eds.” 

Buck had hardly caught Eddie’s response before he was fast asleep, finally at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> The actual song I was listening to while writing this was a Bollywood song and it fit so perfectly but, alas xD
> 
> How was it? I hope you all liked it! Kudos and Comments make my day!!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at [zeethebooknerd](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd) or on Twitter at [tkreyesevandiaz](https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz).


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